Groaners

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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> I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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> She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
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> A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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> The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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> No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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> A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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> A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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> Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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> A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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> Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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> Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
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> I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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> A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
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> A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
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> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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> The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
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> The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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> A backward poet writes in-verse.
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> In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
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> When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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> Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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