Groaners

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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> I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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> She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
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> A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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> The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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> No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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> A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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> A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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> Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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> A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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> Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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> Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
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> I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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> A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
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> A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
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> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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> The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
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> The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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> A backward poet writes in-verse.
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> In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
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> When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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> Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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Ernst Van Aaken Endurance Training Examples

Ernst Van Aaken endurance training examples:

1)    10 x 350 m at easy effort with 50 m jog/walk; 2,000 m two minutes Slower than Best Effort (SBE); 5 x 350 with 50 m jog/walk; 2,000 m 1 ½ m SBE; 500 m tempo run.

2)    10 X 350 m at easy effort with 50 m jog/walk; 5,000 m four minutes SBE; 500 m tempo run.

3)    Multiple 2,000 m at two minutes SBE or 3,000 m at 3 – 4 minutes SBE, both with 3 – 5 minutes walking or exercises between.   Keep this up for 10 – 30 K.   Include 1 – 2 x 500 m tempo run with 3 – 5 minute walking or exercise between.

4)    Continuous steady run over varied terrain for 10 – 20 K.

5)    Mixed run as you feel and include either 2 x 500 m tempo runs or a time trial of 3 – 10 K.

6)    Recovery run: 25 – 50 x 350 m with 50 m walk between performed on flat soft surface.

7)    Weekly long run of 20 – 40K at easy pace with 3 – 5 minute walk/exercise breaks every 2 – 5K.

8)    Marathon specific training:

a)    5 – 10 x 2,000 – 3,000m at 1 ½ - 2 minutes SBE with 3 – 5 minute walk/exercise between each; 6 – 8 x 60 – 80 strides at end of run.

b)    20 – 42 x 1,000 m at MRP with 3 – 5 minute walk/exercise between each.

c)    5 – 10 x 1,000 at 10K race pace with 5 – 10 minute jog/walk/exercise between each.

Mike Schramm: 2008 St. George Marathon Recap

While going through some old scrap books, we came across a great marathon recap from a good friend of ours, Mike Schramm.  He has run for many years and a variety of distances.  This recap is from the 2008 St. George Marathon in Utah.  In the 37 year history of this event,  it's only rained twice.  This was one of those years. What a crazy wild adventure for Mike.  Hope you enjoy it as much as we did...

"Tough race, which is too bad, as I felt OK, well sort of anyway...here is a recap

We have been staying the night in Pine Valley the last few years, which is the way to go.  I woke up Saturday morning and thought someone was taking a shower in the cabin.  I went outside to take a walk and assess the conditions, and realized no one was showering, it was RAIN!!!!! Ugh....And to top it off, a wind from the south at about 15 mph!!! It hasn't rained at the marathon in St George for 25 years.

We got to the start line about 6:36 am.  I started with a garbage bag for the rain, but took it off quickly as the wind made it feel like a parachute.  I decided this wasn't a race for time, just survival.  I heard my first mile split of 6:24.  I didn't know what I was doing again until 5 miles, when they had a clock that said 32:34, not bad for conditions.  I started to make a move up the Veyo Hill at mile seven, passing runners, but not looking at my watch.

Now the bad...  I went past 10 miles feeling OK, then about 10.5, I started smelling fuel...weird...a strong sense of fuel, but no motorcycles around, no ambulance, no truck, but the smell was strong.  I was getting nauseous, really bad, and I thought, I am going to lose it....I stopped on the side of the road, and lost everything I had eaten that morning.  That has never, ever happened before in a race.  I then thought, well, this is over, where is the van to take me to the finish. I am sick, the wind is blowing, it is raining, and everyone is passing me....

Well, then, I just literally got mad, thinking everyone that passed me figured I was DONE, and it just ticked me off (anything for motivation!) I started running again, and felt OK, and started to run a bit more aggressively.

At the half, I passed the clock in 1:28:20, probably had 150 runners ahead of me, and I couldn't believe it.  I thought on a normal day, I would be 1:23, but with the conditions, even with the stop, I would be 1:26 (remember, I wasn't looking at my watch).  Man I was ticked!!  I still felt good, and I started hammering the course as hard as I could, passing people like crazy.  I came to mile 15, and there was a big group of runners, all together, about 10, running in the wind and rain, staying in a pack.  There was no one in front of them that you could see.  The SMART thing would have been to tuck in behind them, and run with them for awhile, especially with the wind.  But, I blew right by them as hard as I could, and in my mind I was thinking. "you can all go to hell thinking I am crazy, I dare you to stay with me", I quickly gapped them (I looked later, the leader of that group finished 10 minutes behind me), and just started pushing it hard through miles 16 and 17 (Erica was waiting on the bike).

I looked later and did miles 16 and 17 in 11:18, which was good with the wind.  I was still ticked!!! I was cruising, just picking off runners every 45 seconds or so.  Erica was really pushing me from the bike trail.  At about 19 miles, my shirt weighed about 10 pounds from the rain, so I took it off, pinned my number to my shorts (with only one pin), and threw my shirt to Erica.  So now, I am shirtless in the freezing rain and wind, must of looked like an idiot.

You should have seen it Bart, the runners I came up on were totally wiped out.  A good runner that I know, I whacked him at about mile 18, and finished 10 minutes behind me in the end.  The conditions were just killing everyone.  Erica started saying, OK, next runner about 200 meters ahead...and in a normal marathon at 20 miles, I wouldn't catch no one 200 meters ahead, unless they were walking, but today, I would get them after about .75 of a mile.  I was running my miles about 5:55 or so, and that is with the wind.  I came up on the Women's leader around 22, and when I passed her, I noticed that she was CRYING!!! Wow, it was a weird race.

At mile 24, I started to hurt a tad, but I was still knocking others out.  I then saw another St. George masters runner, Ken Carlson, that has been training 90 mile weeks, and wanted to break 2:40 (probably would have in good conditions), and I just had another adrenaline surge, and flew by him, he finished about 2 minutes back in the end.  I caught two more, between mile 25 and 26, and finally the last mile from 25.2 to 26.2, I didn't see anyone else, my adrenaline was running out, and I ran a 6:45 mile.  I came into the finish, shoes and socks soaking wet, no shirt, my shorts were falling down (soaked with rain), and I kept having to push up my shorts for the last 10 miles, it was quite a sight...

So, I went 1:28:20 in the first half, then lowered it to 1:19:13 in the 2nd half.  I ran just over 37 minutes for the last 10k, finished in 34th place, passing at least 100 runners in the 2nd half.  It was crazy.  Not that it matters, but the good runners were commenting on 6-8 minutes was the penalty for the weather.  It also mentioned in the paper that it was between 8-10 minutes because of the weather.  It just makes me wonder if I would have cracked the 2:40 barrier in good weather.

Well, that was long, I hope you made it through it. It was just such a weird experience"

Mike